TWO JERKS IN A CAR

Good-bye Chi

Day 7: We are so behind schedule that we have to keep our Chi-town visit short. Bittersweet as Vic & Lisa don’t see enough of each other. Getting on the road early consists of leaving at 3pm. Confirmed..we are dawdlers.

Driving is the main objective. Translation? Somewhat uneventful. However, everyone has to eat, so we detour in Rockland, IL to visit the Rathskeller Sausage Shop. A bratwurst, klienwurst and some German gnomes later, the open road beckons. An amazing sunset as we drive over the Mississippi River is the highlight of the drive. 

Hardly able to see the road through the bug encrusted windshield, Matt navigates to the closest palatable resting place. The day comes to a wrap as we pull in to the lovely Days Inn of Austin, MN, home of the Spam Museum.

Onward Ho (finally)!

Day 6: Still waiting for the car to be finished, so we go for a swim in the meantime. ‘Dude’ heads poolside with his Hello Kitty cape. Finally get the call that the car is ready, so we dry off and head out.

This is a real big Dick’s

First things first, Matt still needs a sleeping bag or else he’ll be camping in the car. After literally trying out the options, he finds sleeping bag success.

Next stop, Erie PA. We have to travel back East 90 miles to get the car to head back through Cleveland to get to Chicago, where Lisa has patiently been waiting for us for two days. We FINALLY get the car back and can get on the road. We fill up and manage to bear witness the most incredible ‘hands free’ headset of all time. QVC special circa 1990. Just what we need before setting off.

It seems like an eternity and we’ve only made it back to Cleveland by dinner time. It’s like Groundhog’s Day. After some metal, comedy & push-ups, we begin to make out the Windy City’s skyline.

Lisa is awaiting our arrival with cocktail preparation in full swing.

Notables:

• Long walk to Flat Iron which includes weird parallel universe conversations
• Gross couple make out at the bar, then replaced by identical couple also making out
• Vic can’t decide where to keep her hands
• Stoner-style ordering at Flash Taco takes far too long
• Lisa scares Vic with absurd “what-if” camping scenarios (Blair Witch/Jason Vorhees/bear attacks/etc.)

Cleveland continues…

Blog updating has fallen a bit behind as Cleveland can be a bit of a succubus sometimes.

Day 3: With mega hangover in tow, Vic leaves Matt to be babysat by Marty for the day while she hangs out with her family. She returns having learned of their productive day of eating, lounging & watching high brow cinema including Teen Wolf.

Deciding to keep the night mellow, we enjoy a nice dinner (consisting of shushi meat, peaches & guacamole) and a drink afterwards at the Garage. We are lucky to be joined by Sara (who took a quit detour from her Lady Gaga tour) & Niki. Not wanting to call it quits quite yet, Niki uses her honed negotiation skills to convince us to go to the worst bar ever. Good thing for great company. We encounter a gang of hunks in blouses, Dale Jr loving/mullet with ponytail wearing casanovas, and the like. Three shots & a lone juggalo later, Matt is has converted to the priesthood, Vic is on the verge of puking, & Marty is trying to avoid drinking more by sneaking to pour out his shots while we sneak to pour him more.

Upon returning home, we find ourselves inspired by our juggalo encounter and spend the next 1/2 hr obsessing over ICP… sorry about this but:

Day 4: Brunch with Marty and Peggy.. for some reason Vic “my guts hate my guts” Semarjian decides to order a giant plate of chicken and waffles and becomes best friends with our gregarious and super-chatty waiter. We feel his pink with black velvet Bruce Lee shirt.. a finger treat followed by a mouth treat.

The rest of the day is spent with the family in Lyndhurst. Matt manages to slice his back open on a screen door (probably for the attention) and is treated by the worst nurses in Ohio (Vic and Mom). Matt’s name temporarily changed to “Dude” by an 8 yr old. Chalk drawn masterpieces created on driveway followed by delicious steak and corn dinner. Chicken and waffles come home to roost during walk around block.

Drinks with Sean at some wine bar produces lots of laughter and shit-talking. The group is accosted a drunken douchebag (full Cleveland Cavaliers get-up with matching backwards cap) who hijacks the conversation until Matt and Sean abandon Vic with the guy in favor of a trip to the bathroom.

The guy: “Are you with either of those guys?”

Vic: “Umm… that one?”

Vic now furious. Some skillful shrugging, lies and excuses discourages the guy and he retreats. Evening ends well.

Day 5: Car still not done.. just about done with Cleveland. We go for a boat ride. Lake Erie is gigantic. Dinner with Marty. Vic runs into long-lost half-cousin Jen. Old times discussed. We hit the sack at a decent hour and dream of leaving Cleveland.

Niagara Falls — Cleveland

Niagara Falls (pt. deux)

We want to see it’s full majesty and power so, on the toes of a beautiful morning, we join the throngs of our fellow tourists on the Canadian (and apparently more awesome) side to take it all in. We, being jerks, find the people-watching to be as fascinating as the Falls themselves. In fact, Matt decides to make a project of taking pictures of people taking pictures of other people. Pics to be posted here soon..

Ripley, NY

On Thursday we notice the little red battery light flashing while stuck in traffic but it goes away so we chalk it up to electrical gremlins and ignore it. On the way to Cleveland it comes back on – along with pretty much all the other warning lights – so we find a garage in Ripley, NY and get lucky as the car literally dies as Vic pulls into the driveway. It seems the battery had been dying for some time and subsequently took the alternator down with it. A new battery gets us to a VW service center in Erie, PA where we are rescued by Vic’s mom and taken to Cleveland. The trip becomes more epic than we had guessed it might. 

Cleveland

Clearly we need to kick Friday night right in its bulbs… but we get drunk instead. Vic’s hometown is one of drunken brotherly love, rock n roll and acceptance. The trip’s first burgers and alcohol taste like magical tongue treasure wrapped in diamond encrusted handjobs. Bewildering conversation, giggling, back slapping and two strip clubs later we collapse on Marty’s couch awaiting inevitable (and well deserved) hangovers. We are hungry again.

Notables:

• Matt insults woman in elevator “That’s why I don’t want babies”.
• Accidental release of kittens from ‘Deliverance’ garage office. Capture unfinished when we leave.
• Anne has apparently joined a cult
• Vic awakens with miniature dollar bill origami shirt stuffed in bra.. later vomits blood
• Rodney buys Stansbury lapdance.. somehow considered a cock-block.
• Kimmy… that’s all.

Boston — Niagara Falls

Day 1: It may seem odd that an epic journey to America’s western shores would start with a trip to Niagara Falls, Canada… well it is odd. But we really wanted to go so here we are. But first, a few notes about our ‘thrilling’ first day. More drama than one might think. Vic says goodbye to Bost… er, Framingham… house, cats, husband, yummy jewish deli around the corner, etc.

Notables

• 12:40pm - We’ve been on the road for about 10 minutes. Vic totally and illegally blows through the toll booth, forgetting she’d given up the E-Z pass transponder. Awkward explanation to white rasta kid at next booth.
• 1:38pm - My Mic Sounds Nice / Salt ‘n Pepa
• 2:33pm - Beg To Differ / Prong (old goodie), then Spill the Blood / Slayer
• 4:30pm - Upstate NY. Generator warning light goes on… shittier because we’re in bumper to bumper due to bad accident. VW kid says get to a dealer right away. Super not epic.
• “Beaver Is Pk” funny sign.
• Rainbow bridge to Canada. Hello! (as E. Merman)

Thursday night Ca-scene-O, N-Falls

We’re either not cool enough or way too cool for this place. A surprisingly edible meal paid for in Canadian dollars serenaded by mysterious, unseen musician doing Buffet-esque covers of pretty much anything, including Jimmy Buffet. Walked to the falls and snapped 3 nite-shots of the falls but became enthralled by the mega rock-show lighting. Pics to follow when we figure out how to get em off the fucking camera.

Now chilling in hotel with world’s slowest elevator and simplest Canadian tourists (but they’re soo nice). Also, the internet is mad slow here.